The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake.
Psalm 51:14-17
Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,The God of my salvation,
And my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips,
And my mouth shall show forth Your praise. For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it;
You do not delight in burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart—These, O God, You will not despise.
And my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips,
And my mouth shall show forth Your praise. For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it;
You do not delight in burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart—These, O God, You will not despise.
Psalm 34:18:19
The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as
have a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, But
the Lord delivers him out of them all.
Proverbs 13:20
He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will be destroyed.
I am so thankful for His teaching and for listening to me. The Lord taught me that I wasn't built upon Him, the rock of my salvation. When adversity came, I folded like an old wallet. On top of that, I added another weight to my load. I was trying to raise money to help the blog out by selling t shirts that advertised the website. When times got hard, I complained. I had forgotten what had worked in the past. What had worked in the past was thanking the Lord and praising Him.
I work at a call center where people call in to make reservations to go to their doctors appointments. Most of those people are seniors. I don't use my computer networking skills. In fact, for the most part, the job is easy. Where I struggle is when the call doesn't go as planned. When the person on the other end isn't "playing nice". I have been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. I am a disabled veteran. I am going to describe the best that I can what it feels like when I have an episode.
So needless to say, I don't deal with stress very well. To make matters worse is that when I am having an episode, I get a little louder, I feel frustrated, and I get a bad attitude. What also didn't help me was my management telling em to "tone it down" and to calm down. After the episode I feel guilt and shame. This time though,it laid very heavy on me. Like never before. I came home defeated and I wept. I never asked for this. I hate it. I hate what it does to me and I hate what it makes me do to other people. If putting up with me is bad, try being the one having to go through this horrible experience.
But the Lord was going to use this to build me up and make me stronger. Thank you Lord for being so faithful and true! He sent me reinforcements. I remember coming home and locking myself in the bathroom for a while. I wept and prayed. I had never felt this down after an episode. The Lord is the best listener because He let me come before Him and the throne of grace to cry, complain and tell Him how I felt. Now when I look back, I see how the Lord began to work. I came out of the bathroom and my wife listened to me. She didn't judge me, she listened to me. That's all I needed. Then when I was done, she hugged me, gave me a kiss and told me that everything would be alright. I didn't believe it then, but the Lord was going to make me a believer.
The Lord began to mobilize other believers to comfort me. Prayers began to go up on my behalf prayed by others who have faith in the Lord. I recall one brother made a video on YouTube and shared it with me on YouTube. I only know this person via Facebook. I saw him in person once after a worship session last month. His words were encouraging and made me think about what I was doing. I wasn't fighting back with the truth. I wasn't picking up my sword and my shield to protect me from the fiery darts of the enemy. I had put down my helmet and let the enemy wound me mentally. In his message he told me to praise the Lord. To pray in the spirit. I did that. I was on my last break and I put in my headphones and I listened to one of my favorite gospel songs "Touch me Lord Jesus" by Margret Allison. With tears in my eyes and my heart low, I praised the Lord. It was hard to do. I would be lying if I said it is easy.
The whole time I was down, I was not alone. The Lord was with me. He also brought in wise people around me to comfort me and speak the Truth into me. After all that occurred, some of my friends have become brothers and sisters because they are born out of adversity. One brother that has always had my back showed me love and encouraged me. The one thing that stood out to me the most was this following quote "Thanks Nick for being who you are: a broken sinful man, redeemed by the grace of God, and not afraid to boast His name publicly! Love you man!" I had forgot whom I belonged to and the words the Lord used for him to tell me uplifted me. I looked in the mirror and I remembered that, yes, I am a broken and sinful man who has been redeemed by the grace of God. Even in my brokenness and in my failure my brother still loved me and my God still loves me too. More then I can comprehend and understand.
Then came Sunday. At my church we had a thanksgiving pancake breakfast. I was still feeling all crummy inside. As I stood in line, it seemed like everybody wanted to get by and cutting right where I was standing. I felt like I was in the way. WHY ME?! Why do these people HAVE TO pass through right by me. I want to be left alone and enjoy these pancakes. Everything was getting on my nerves that morning. The pancakes were great and I sat with my family and a nice lady and her son whom is a friend to me and my family. After breakfast, those who stayed for the service, went to the worship center. It was an open mic to allow the congregation share what they were thankful for. Story after story, the pride, the ego, and the anger began to melt away. I had it so good and others who have it worse still manage to give thanks and worship God. Thank you Lord for humbling me.
But there was still one sting that had not been tied up yet. My PTSD. After service was done, one of my sisters came to talk to me and my wife. She had spent 20 years in the US Army and was also diagnosed with PTSD. I didn't know that the Lord was about to use my sister. She encouraged me. Reassured me. She shared her story. There was something that stuck with me. A couple things actually. PTSD are just initials and the Lord has over the world. Including PTSD. This mental illness will be for my good and His glory. It is my cross to carry and my calling. She told em that she knows that the Lord is building me up and through my experiences I will be able to comfort people as well. She told me when I feel down to pick up my bible and read it. It didn't matter what I read because it is Gods word and it is all the truth. The truth will set you free. The Word is truth and with it we fight against the enemy. I was advised to pray more, to pray with my wife, to fast and to praise God more often. I was told to memorize a verse and use it when I am down. The last thing that stuck with me was, whenever anyone asks me "How are you doing?" I should reply "God is good." Because even when I am down and out, God is still good.
In regards to the t shirt sales for the blog, 4 were only sold. I bought those 4. The Lord knew my intentions and my heart, and perhaps it wasn't in line with His will. I believe He has something better in store for me and this blog. I prayed and I left it up to Him for the results. He did answer. It was a No. But that is okay because He knows what is best for me, what is best for this blog and what is best for the readers of this blog. We have to trust in His timing, His will and His wisdom. The bible says that we have to know everything or have everything figured out, it just says to trust Him.
I don't want anything else. He made me lay in green pastures by still waters. The Lord has restored my soul and He lead me back to the path of righteous for His sake. I have learned how to sing and praise the Lord. When I offered my broken and contrite heart to the Lord, He didn't despise it. The Lord was close to me when I was down and out. But He delivered me from my afflictions, all of them! The Lord surrounded me by wise people because He did not want to me to be lead into destruction. See! He is so faithful and true. In Revelation 19:11 it says "I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True..." The one on that white horse is the Lord Jesus Christ. Yes, HE is Faithful and True.
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